Embracing Your Grace

new season, new blog

2011-09-14T19:00:00.000-05:00

for the sake of newness and change (which i am always hesitant to accept) i'm moving over to a tumblr page for all future posts... what was inconvenience has turned into a chance to start a new space to deluge my thoughts, pictures, and latest interests. i like the layout better, and heck- not many people read this anyway :)

won't you join me over at cotner corner?

family

2011-09-02T11:39:00.000-05:00

“The family is the project of the human person. The family is the space in which human life begins and where human life is nurtured and cherished, and where an individual first learns what it is to be loved by being loved, what it is to have dignity by having that dignity extended to them. The family stands as a very unique institution worldwide, all other institutions in place are there essentially to support the family.

In this sense I think the family is critical, because the family not only forces but provides this extraordinary place which is our first experiences, which is our strongest experiences, and which has been the environment which we have come into the world and first experienced ourselves and the world.

The family sets up boundaries that are very different from any other relationship in the world. Whether the family has been a place of insecurity or security for us, it is a place that we continually have to turn to know who we are, and to in fact try to figure out how to know these others."

-The Human Experience (documentary)

Been thinking a lot about where and who I would like to counsel in the future and God has really placed on my heart the family...for several different reasons. The experiences I have had both with my own family and with the kids I've interacted with in the past few years have shown me the great depth, importance, and need for family there is in each person's life.

Thank you God for family. For creating family, nurturing family, and making healing and change possible in families. Your kingdom is our ultimate family and place of belonging.

summer thoughts

2011-07-09T22:24:00.005-05:00

"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."
titus 3

"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in the end he will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes- I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"
job 19

"If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."
isaiah 58

"Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth. The fear and dread of you will fall on all the beasts of the earth, and on all the birds in the sky, on every creature that moves along the ground, and on all the fish in the sea; they are given into your hands. Everything that lives and moves about will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything."
genesis 9

_____________________________________________________

i know these pictures and scriptures are random, but it seems like that is what my summer has been like. i'm going through a compassion bible reading plan that is helping me see how compassionate God has been through the ages. i've been watering plants constantly to keep them alive...trying to pay more attention to where my food comes from...retreating to quiet places...and creating things with my hands. God as convicted me of my attitude toward unjust feelings. i always react very strongly and madly without the action and love response it needs. whether it be small our big responses towards people. praise God for his mercy and great compassion towards us when we need it the most. that he does not treat us as our sins deserve. Lord have mercy when we only know how to respond in anger and not in love- YOU have set the perfect example.

hillsong lyric

2011-06-28T19:05:00.001-05:00

There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome
All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

Quote

2011-06-16T21:30:00.000-05:00

"It is easy to think you have a heart for orphans on the other side of the world, but if you spend your time at home resenting the imposition your children are on you, you do not. You cannot have a heart for the gospel and a fussiness about your life at the same time. You will never make any difference there if you cannot be at peace here. You cannot have a heart for missions, but not for the people around you. A true love of the gospel overflows and overpowers. It will be in everything you do, however drab, however simple, however repetitive.

God loves the little offerings. Given in faith, that plate of PB&J’s will feed thousands. Given in faith, those presents on Christmas morning will bring delight to more children than you can count. Offered with thankfulness, your work at home is only the beginning. Your laundry pile, selflessly tackled daily, will be used in the hands of God to clothe many. Do not think that your work does not matter. In God’s hands, it will be broken, and broken, and broken again, until all who have need of it have eaten and are satisfied. And even then, there will be leftovers."

-Rachel Jankovic

conversations

2011-05-19T10:49:00.004-05:00

"We are constantly advised to take care of ourselves (which is important) and to maintain balance (which has value); but it can be tempting to stop when the Spirit is still saying, 'Go!' Instead of listening to ourselves and knowing our own limitations, shouldn't we listen to the Spirit and heed his direction? Sometimes that might look like stillness when we want activity. sometimes that means avoiding activities that produce stress and self-importance. Still, sometimes that means working when you're tired, listening when you have other plans, or giving up when you'd rather not. It means understanding that on your own, you cannot help or listen or serve or share or work or accomplish anything of value if it's not done with God's strength. His is the strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy."
-Beth Guckenberger, Reckless Faith

This book has truly spoken to something deeper within me. I've been reading it for a few months now as an extra chapter here and there in the midst of business. It's been a reminder that God is bigger than my schedule, and bigger than the perspective I have right now. Little by little I feel a calling towards kids and especially orphans. The stories in this book have reminded me of the incredible value and potential God has towards kids. I'm not going to pretend to have plans or specifics in mind about how God will use Joe and I in the future. I do know that we had a good reminder in a small conversation while walking Sophie the other day.

Everything we are doing right now is a part of His plan for us. Walking the dog together, working jobs that aren't completely fulfilling, working with the paychecks we get, doing homework in all our spare time, investing in the relationships we do have, and spending time with family are all incredibly important aspects of getting to the next step as God leads. God is giving us this season to build a marriage, learn how to handle relationships and money, and see how He is going to use these passions of ours.

From the beginning I was always amazed at how much Joe and I's passions lined up together, it was a flashing light to me that this was who I am supposed to serve next to. It is not always exciting living in our hometown, working multiple jobs, doing homework in our evenings- but it is exciting to pray and seek God on a daily basis. God is definitely moving in our hearts and minds, as well as giving us time to prepare. Joe always reminds me of the huge amounts of preparation time people in the Bible spent before God did something big in their lives. Moses, Noah, Jesus, Paul....all examples of this. At times I worry that this is all in vain and we'll get stuck. Stuck in the normal routine this culture pushes on people. I don't know why, but I've always feared this. Going back to the quote from Beth- it is when I listen to the Spirit in the small activities that I'm reminded that I can go against this culture and pay attention to the needs around me.

It is such a gift to spend two hours a day with kids and see God answer specific prayers. It is a gift to meet new family members and be actively involved in my family. It is a gift to find peace in a town I wanted to leave. It is a gift to study counseling and learn how to counsel. It is a gift to find a church home with my husband. It is a gift to have a small group so unbelievably amazing and at similar points in life. It is a gift to have a flexible work schedule and work with incredible people. It is a gift to make a home with my husband.

Philippians 4:6-8

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

what i thought i had lost...

2011-02-01T09:52:00.003-06:00

things i'm learning in the midst of routine:

- a good attitude gets me a loooooong way.
i lead an after school program where most days i dread going. it is a lot of pressure and a lot of things out of my comfort zone. honestly, i think God keeps me here because it keeps me on my knees. i am constantly pushed by new experiences and persevering through them. for the last week or so i have told myself not to anticipate a bad day or to dread going in. i pray, let go, and go in with a smiling face. it has made all the difference! even when situations arise, i am more apt to handle them better. i also find myself seeing the kids faces more, and seeing myself less- praise God.

- every month has its own name.
my husband and i spent almost 3 hours this weekend writing out a detailed budget. neither of us had any clue where to start and honestly in the past we both just hoped there was money left over after the bills were payed. that is so nerve racking for me! we've been learning a lot about money and giving lately. Lord knows we needed to. but to get to the point- sitting down we try to anticipate a normal month or one that doesn't have an exception. medical bills, holidays, regular income- it just hasn't happened for us yet in these few months of marriage. but it has helped me trust God and let each month hold its own adventure.

- laziness comes like a bandit.
i had mentioned in the last post that marriage has made it harder to find time to spend alone with God. looking further- i have become lazy in many aspects of life. i get up at the last minute in the morning, put off homework until there's no way it can be done well, and wait to spend time with God until i find a free, quiet hour. God brought me to proverbs 26:14, "As a door turns on its hinges, so a sluggard turns on his bed." talk about conviction! i love sleep, and laziness has definitely creeped into my life in the last few months. i let this happen and have ignored the signs for too long. yesterday i got up early and spent more time in proverbs in the hopes to combat this and was actually early to work! that is a first for little me. it is up to me to come to God- He never left, I fell asleep.

- don't live for the paycheck.
while money does pay the bills and get us things in life- that is not where the purpose of life is. so many in my generation are running, traveling, seeking out something different. i have seen it so many times in college students- wanting to travel the world, backpack europe, go anywhere and everywhere. i have definitely been there! but lately i've been researching for a consumerism paper and it teaches me that consumerism is empty and purpose-less. and we know it! we see that money does not fill and a fancy job with benefits can be only what our parents want for us. but what if we turned that upside down? what if we saw our job as the way to make a difference? what if we worked as a business person for the sake of doing good, honest, Godly business? what if the paycheck was just a bonus for getting to make a difference in the world? maybe if we saw purpose beyond just running after it we could find it is where we are. God will lead. sometimes to unknown, remote places- but most often to the places we are everyday, into our homes, into our cubicles, and into our conversations. it is hard to see this in routine and familiar faces, but persevere we must in the midst of where God has put us in life.

"I wake up
Start the rush and pour some coffee
Things to do pile up
Oh so quickly
Too many days I feel like
I run on empty
Does anyone else out there feel like me?

But I'd be a fool to forfeit....
The chance to take a moment....

For You to rise like the dawn....
Over my cold, tired heart....
What I thought I had lost....
Finds me when I stop....
Stop and listen....

It's the same slowing down lesson we all learn
But I don't pay much attention
Till I crash and burn

So all together....
Let's stop and sit at His feet....
My sisters and brothers...."
-Bethany Dillon

*The next time you feel as though God has left or is too quiet, stop & listen. Even the quiet is a welcomed posture before God.

yet i will look again

2010-12-27T20:38:00.003-06:00

i suppose i should try to put into words this past month, before it slips away. Joe had surgery a week before Christmas and it seems like that is all life has been for the past 2 weeks. he had surgery on his stomach to remove 2 masses near his small intestine. there was a chance he didn't have to lose some intestine, but when he opened his eyes the morning after i had to give the bad news. he had a longer recovery time because of it.

living in the hospital for 6 days was more difficult than i could have ever imagined. seeing him groan and suffer like that was only hope that he was healing. monday he smiled....that was my highlight. i looked forward to seeing that smile all weekend. snapshots of that week are an old weezy man next to his bed along with his angry wife, nurses gone missing, lack of showers for everyone, heat going out in the apartment the first night i spent at home, and milestones of joe walking around floor 2B of memorial.

getting home the challenge to help only began without night nurses :) i have seen every movie in family video and then some. but the christmas decorations are put away and i have done more than i ever thought i could do by myself. it seems selfish to write about this being as some people see their spouses sick for years at a time, and those times may come for us. but we've been married a month. please, God.

i know this seems dramatic, but i just want everything to be okay. i just want this to go away, as joe would say. it has certainly brought us closer, and i am still trying to draw nearer to Christ. to be honest, it is harder to know how to do both at the same time.

“In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the depths,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
I said, ‘I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.’
The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you, LORD my God,
brought my life up from the pit.

“When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.

“Those who cling to worthless idols
turn away from God’s love for them.
But I, with shouts of grateful praise,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the LORD.’”

and so it begins

2010-11-07T15:32:00.003-06:00

i cannot believe how much has changed in the last year....it is overwhelming to me!

graduation
engagement
passing of my grandmother
new job
wedding planning
start of seminary

it feels like i haven't stopped to feel all the changes. this saturday is the wedding! it does it no justice to countdown :) a countdown assumes that something will end when the numbers run out. but our marriage will begin! i can't wait to start this journey with my best friend. we used to joke when people said to us, "it will be here before you know it!" because it never felt near to us, like we were in a perpetual time of waiting. finally i can say, that it feels near!

this past friday we spent our first night together in the emergency room. it was there that i realized how strong Joe is and how faithful our God is. we made it through what i think was just the first test! it also put everything wedding related into perspective for me. while i would love for everything to be handmade and perfectly placed, i know that that does not matter. it doesn't matter how everything is decorated or captured. it doesn't matter if our wedding is blog worthy.

i know that i will start life together with my husband on Nov. 13, 2010. God is so faithful and hears every secret prayer that i whisper to Him. my prayer today is that He will help joe and i to savor every minute of this life changing time in life. that i will feel, hear, taste, and see the goodness of the King i serve no matter how dark the night gets. God is my first love, and has brought me to my second.

extend His mission not alone

2010-09-12T22:59:00.001-05:00

“Jesus Christ did not rise alone. He rose as the head of a whole body of people elected to have faith in him, to benefit from him, and to extend his mission in the world.”

- Cornelius Plantinga, Jr. Engaging God’s World

psalm 71

2010-08-03T22:53:00.001-05:00

learning to sit & listen

2010-06-28T23:59:00.002-05:00

Lately has been delightfully frustrating. Having a part time job is amazing and takes effort to still accomplish something in the extra time. Why is it that as soon as I have nothing to do I waste the time I could have getting things done that need to be done?

It is at the home of Martha & Mary that I have begun to hear the guidance I need:

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

This passage has come up in a few different places to me in the last month or so.

Only one thing is needed..."don't just do something, sit there". If there is one thing I have learned in the last few years it is to treasure the time God gives you to sit there, because times change very quickly into busyness.

So here's to setting new spiritual habits & seeking the feet of Jesus more and more in the daily pockets of time set aside for Him alone.

Whoah.

2010-06-21T18:36:00.003-05:00

Soooo hello June! It has been a whirlwind of a few months, and the site's been given a fresh look! Hopefully I will open up here a little more in the coming months, it's always good to take a look back at the last few years of blogging. I started this my first semester of college without the intention of having a ton of readers, and I hope for that to continue! Now that I'm done with school, I hope that I make time to write down some thoughts....writing is theraputic!

events to come:
seminary
marriage
rental agreement
job hunting
....who knows in what order!

photo cred given to B.Spear!

Satisfied!

2010-04-13T10:52:00.001-05:00

"Jesus you’re the well that won’t run dry.
Jesus you’re the drink that satisfies.
Living water, Spring of Life
Jesus you’re the well that won’t run dry.
We will thirst no more, thirst no more
When we drink from You.
We will search no more, search no more
When we drink from You."
Kristian Stanfill

but also beauty

2010-02-02T23:43:00.003-06:00

"Do we understand the freedom we have under the lorship of Christ and the norms of Scripture? Is the creative part of our life committed to Christ? Christ is the Lord of our whole life and the Christian life should produce not only truth- flaming truth- but also beauty."
-Schaeffer

"take time to be holy, speak oft with thy Lord;
abide in Him always, and feed on His Word;
make friends of God's children, help those who are weak,
forgetting in nothing His blessing to seek.

take time to be holy, the world rushes on;
spend much time in secret with Jesus alone;
by looking to Jesus, like Him thou shalt be;
thy friends in thy conduct His likeness shall see.

take time to be holy, let Him be thy Guide,
and run not before Him whatever betide;
in joy or in sorrow still follow thy Lord,
and looking to Jesus, still trust in His Word.

take time to be holy, be calm in thy soul;
each thought and each motive beneath His control;
thus led by His Spirit to fountains of love,
thou soon shalt be fitted for service above."
-William D. Longstaff

Right now I'm taking a Modern Art, Faith, & Culture class that has me reading some reallll good stuff. And really convicting me of my busyness...

look full

2010-01-27T08:40:00.002-06:00

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace...

the character of God

2010-01-18T01:01:00.003-06:00

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemption's hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
Te word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart
-Brooke Fraser
_______________

My daily reading has put me in Jeremiah these days. Usually it is a struggle to stick with some of the larger Old Testament books and understand it all amongst the history going on. But this book continues to make me think about who God is. It is crazy how much compassion God has on people. Time and time again judgment is placed on nations for worshiping false gods and seeking other pleasures in life apart from God, and God every time rules justly...then comes in with compassion.

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
Jer. 31:3-4

I can count on God's compassion to show through after nearly every battle or every judgment I read about in Jeremiah. I guess the Old Testament really gets a bad rap for being so hard to read and difficult to understand. But reading it paying attention to who God is and how he continually wants to restore His chosen people despite them turning away from Him all the time, I am truly amazed by God's great love.

He is always a step ahead.

This week I lost a job and gained a job in the same hour. While being interviewed for a new job my employer let me go in a voicemail. God knew exactly what He was doing. Take life one step at a time knowing that God is never late. He is so faithful to His people. Trust Him with it all. There is no greater security in life than to entrust your life in the hands of a God who has been restoring His people since the day they turned their faces from Him.

Advent Day 4

2009-12-04T12:21:00.003-06:00

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.
john 1:1-5

Lord Jesus, you are the light that shines in the darkness. Remind us to turn to you, to call out to you, when we feel we're being swallowed by darkness, by doubts, by troubles and frustrations. Thank you for the very fact of our being.

Advent Action:
"Under all our grumblings there is a subconscious substance of gratitude." Pay attention to the remarks you make to family, friends, and coworkers today. Try to turn one would-be grumble into an occasion for thanks.

-G.K. Chesterton

O Glorious Day!

2009-11-10T17:10:00.001-06:00

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises,
One day when sin was as black as could be,
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin,
Dwelt among men, my Example is He!

And living, He loved me; dying, He saved me;
Buried, He carried my sins far away;
Rising, He justified freely forever;
One day He's coming—O glorious day!

One day they led Him to Calvary's mountain,
One day they nailed Him to die on the tree;
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected:
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He!

And one day the grave could conceal Him no longer,
One day the stone rolled away from the door;
Then He arose, over death He had conquered;
Now he's ascended, my Lord for evermore!

Living, He loved me; dying, He saved me;
Buried, He carried my sins far away;
Rising, He justified freely forever;
One day He's coming—O glorious day!
O glorious day!

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming,
One day the skies with His glories will shine;
Wonderful day, my beloved ones bringing;
Glorious Savior, this Jesus is mine!

Living, He loved me; dying, He saved me;
Buried, He carried my sins far away;
Rising, He justified freely forever;
One day He's coming—O glorious day!

O glorious day! My sins are washed away
O glorious day!

Living, He loved me; dying, He saved me;
Buried, He carried my sins far away;
Rising, He justified freely forever;
One day He's coming—O glorious day!
O glorious day!
-Todd Agnew

living altered

2009-11-03T11:51:00.003-06:00

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

-Still
Words and Music by Reuben Morgan

today's message in chapel was exactly what i needed to hear. he talked about daily accepting the grace God has offered us from the first time we accepted it. the deeper we get into our faith and the more we become spiritual leaders, it is easy to slip into a "moral performance narrative". our sense of worth comes from living a pure and moral life, so when we slip up it is hard for us to accept the grace we are so quick to offer others.

i know how to get altered, but how do i stay altered?

...the grace that altered you still alters you today. when Jonah ran from God, God ran after him. God is pursuing our hearts, and we are to humbly accept his grace daily. our moral performance will always fail us, regardless of how perfect we may seem. His grace is sufficient and should be the sole reason i try to live a moral life.

heaven party

2009-10-21T17:13:00.003-05:00

driving home today, i dreamt of a heaven party. who doesn't want to be a part of a heaven party? don't get me wrong, i want to live, but can't you just imagine the parties God has thrown?

A "I just made the universe party", a "they're finally in the Promise Land party", a birthday party for Jesus on earth, a coming home party for Jesus, a birthday party for the church, a new believer party...just think of all the celebrating! Big and small, past or present...God is victorious and there is hope!

i am so excited to be a part of the bride as we enter the ultimate heaven party, when God has deemed the time right. in the meantime i rest assured in God's victory. no matter how much sin and death may encroach us, our God has won.

who He already is.

2009-10-19T20:27:00.005-05:00

i know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. Correct me, LORD, but only with justice- not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing.
Jer. 10:23-24

i took a spiritual retreat today and it was interesting...i went to a large retreat center/monastery and the Lord led me right to Jeremiah 10 where he is convicting Jerusalem of their man-made idols. sometimes it's really hard for me to focus on God in places like the ornate chapel they had dedicated to St. Francis of Assisi. everything is dedicated to a saint and the person who "made it possible" is honored. St. Francis of Assisi is a saint for giving up everything he owned to work with the poor. and now there's an ornate chapel dedicated to him.

it just makes me think, do we get it??

then i was convicted of my own idols in life...

the highlight of the visit was a hymnal i thumbed through, i love love old hymnals. here's one of the songs:

Give me a clean heart, O God,
a steadfast spirit for love.
Give me a joyful, willing heart;
wash me clean, wash me clean.

When i stumble and fall,
when i fail to forgive, when i give way to anger
wash me clean!
Free me from mistrust, from bigotry and hatred
free me from resentment, Lord, in your mercy!

when i fail to welcome, when my words are a lie,
when my heart is prideful and cold, wash me clean!
when tempted and weak, when sinful and selfish,
free me from the darkness of my shame,
Lord, in your mercy!

Give me purity of heart, a reverence for every living thing,
simplicity in all the ways of the world.
wash me clean!
teach me to listen for cries for compassion,
make me an instrument of your peace.
Lord, in your mercy!
-Whitaker

i seek You alone God.
You are the only God worth our worship.
i am sorry for seeking other idols
this life is not my own, it is not for me to direct my steps.
correct me, oh Lord with your justice.
i am convicted of my own sin
i need to die to myself
it is not who i can be,
but who You already are.

fall!

2009-10-07T18:49:00.005-05:00

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

hello october.

everyone to know

2009-09-18T12:21:00.001-05:00

lyrics by BDillon

i cannot tell you how much the lyrics from her new CD have blessed me. the song "so close" came on and spoke straight through me. "reach out" made me think about how close and real Jesus can be to us, and one of the kids in the ministry i help out at brought up the story of the woman from the Bible story in this song. "get up and walk" brought reality to the fact that Jesus can break through our deafness, loneliness, and lameness- no matter how tangible that is.

not necessarily a plug for BDillon, but i guess it looks that way. it is more a plug for how God can get through to someone constantly with their head in music & art & writing.

i love it. and i love God.

all I am is Yours

2009-09-05T16:21:00.004-05:00

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek Your face
Lord all I am is Yours

My whole life
I place in Your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In Your presence at Your throne

I called You answered
And You came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where You are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

* now that I have time to focus a bit more... I added this song because it's one of those songs that pops up at just the right time that is so perfectly not a coincidence... one of the counselor's and I had many conversations in her car and one we had was about hillsong... and music... and this song about rescue... and counseling. then at the end of the summer when i was filling out evaluations in the last hour or so of being in Indy this song started playing on someone's computer. i don't know why i am so easily touched by such things, but in that moment God reminded me of where i'd been...where i was... and where i will be...

IN HIS PRESENCE.

i called and He answered.

the God of all time.

2009-08-13T22:00:00.004-05:00

i'm back after a summer break to whereyoulead-rebekah.blogspot.com...

the thoughts i have right now are very scattered. i'm a different person than i was a few months ago. i guess that's true with every new day, but i won't think so metaphorically :) i really do feel healthier. while i still know parts of me need work i have dealt with many different parts of me i needed to address this summer. i worked through past experiences in life and what have made me who i am and what motivates me in life. i had time. lots of time. time to give love, time to receive love, time to inspect my heart, time to heal old wounds, time to confront sin, time to challenge motives. and let me be the first to tell you, i disliked most of this time. it was challenging to every part of me. i desire so much to suppress every part of true introspection and confrontation. God peeled some layers off of me that needed to be taken away. He showed me the affects of sin on many different people's lives and the Counseling work that HE alone does. it surprises me to think about this summer because in the moment it didn't seem like anything. everything i did seemed insignificant. in the moment it all seemed like wasted time. it wasn't filled with exciting adventures and fun late night hang-out times with people. it was filled with long drives, walks, and journaling.

God- thank you for time to breathe. time to keep running the race. You are too good to me.

right now i'm learning just how vaguely i speak and write sometimes...i think with a big picture in mind, but not with specifics. i know in the future i want to live simply, but i don't know how that works. i know i want to experience deep committed love, but i don't know how to get there. i desire to communicate effectively, but i don't know how. i can use all the right words, but can i put them to use? can i break them down into steps in the right direction?

soooo there you go, some thoughts from a cluttered mind....may we praise God for times of growth and times where the landscape might not change, but by His amazing grace we still can.

inside and out

2009-05-14T11:01:00.006-05:00

i've been trying to sort out some thoughts in the past few weeks...

i am now 23 :) crazy! it was really a great day. i spent it with the people i value most and went on a drive that evening and spent some much needed time in prayer in front of a beautiful sunset from my King. mhmm. reflecting back on the past few weeks i am learning about transparency and authenticity. i am so quick to yearn to be in God's presence and when i find myself there i am quick to hide and become distracted. i let my doubts get so big inside of me that when i finally let them out of my mouth they are deflated. how does that happen? how can something so big and complicated become such a lie revealed. i look into things way too much. i sift through them much too often. living inside my head is a dangerous thing i've learned. life was meant to be lived out loud and while i could easily sit and think alone for hours it's not good for me. dreaming and living and loving and belonging are meant to be shared with others. friends. family. it is when we share a conversation or even just the same living space that we learn what life is about and get the perspective needed. it is so important to surround ourselves with people that will listen, give feedback, and encourage us to be the people we are to be. even with people that are hard to be around. people that push us to be better people and make better choices in our lives. choices to listen, choices to be honest, choices to forgive, choices to encourage.

so from a reclusive quiet introverted person....we need eachother, really.

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out
-Hillsong

baggage

2009-04-21T18:00:00.003-05:00

i prayed for this man each morning as i waited for my morning NRW train... i printed off a picture since i've been home and lately i've been thinking about him a lot...

here's what i know about him:

he had a lot of bags that were always with him
he was always on the opposite side of the train most people took into the city in the morning
he wasn't there when i came home
he never got on a train when it came
he would pace back and forth on the platform
a few times he would gather up all his bags and wait for the train, but when it came he just watched it leave...

sometimes i feel like this guy. i've got a lot of bags i carry around everyday. i'm on the wrong side of the platform that seems to be going no where. instead of going somewhere i just pace back and forth with my bags not getting anywhere. when the chance comes to move on, i just look at the train, frozen and unable to move on.

God,
thank you for giving us the chance to change. i pray for those carrying their baggage to be given the courage to leave it behind and find their way back home. i pray specifically for this man on the queens bound NRW 30 Ave. platform...thank you for what he's taught me and i pray for his peace and comfort to be found in you.

peace

2009-04-16T22:21:00.003-05:00

i want you to know that

no matter who you are
no matter where you are
no matter how alone you feel

God is there.

He is the only one that can bring all-encompassing peace and hope.

there is a way for change to happen
there is someone else in that dark place with you.

_____________________

i put in a CD that a close friend gave me a few years ago. as each song began while i was driving another memory flooded my mind on where i was a few years ago and how far God has brought me. i am amazed at how different things are now when i was so scared to change everything. God's faithfulness continues to bring me to my knees wholly surrendered. He was there in my darkest time. He was there when i thought i had let everyone down. He is here now as i write in joy and peace of finally being where He intended....

thank you for peace after the tears.
thank you for hope after the goodbyes.

Your face, LORD, do I seek.

2009-03-23T23:12:00.003-05:00

{Excerpts from Psalm 27}

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
...
One thing I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after;
to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the LORD,
and to inquire in his temple
...
Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud,
be gracious to me and answer me!
"Come," my heart says, "seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, do I seek.
Do not hide your face from me.
...
I believe that I shall see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
Wait for the LORD!

____________

God give me the courage with each new day to seek your face. May I behold your beauty and inquire in your temple. God be the strength of my heart that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life... You are the stronghold of my life. You are the stronghold of my life. God let that resonate within me to dwindle my fears, whom shall I be afraid?

let me see today as You see it

2009-02-24T23:00:00.004-06:00

sooo I bought a random book on amazon, I Come Quietly to Meet You. it was written by Amy Carmichael, so I figured it was totally worth the risk :) turns out it is an amazing daily devotional that speaks straight to my heart.

"if only there were mountains"

Teach me to number my days aright, that I may gain a heart of wisdom... Satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love, that I may sing for joy and be glad all my days.
-psalm 90:12,14

If you would live in victory over the circumstances, great and small, that come to you each day... and if you want God's life and power to well up from the depths of your being, then you must refuse to be dominated by the seen and felt.

You say: "I could climb mountains if God asked me to. That would be a joy! But here I stand, on this dreary seashore of my life, looking over this dreary backwash bay and a drearier shoreline- and beyond that, inland, no mountains. Nothing invigorating, or inspiring. Nothing hard enough to inspire anyone..."

"The whole of my life is like that these days- not hard, just dull. I would have chosen challenging over dull. A challenge that would make me want to achieve at any cost. It's this useless feeling that's so devastating."

God says, "Have you looked up? Aren't the clouds themselves a marvel of controlled power- reminders of the pillars of cloud and of fire? Have you tried to face your life- those dull, dreary days- with the lifting power of praise? You must look steadfastly through the visible, until the invisible opens up to you."

"My Father, so often I get weighed down under the demands of my own life. Sometimes I see little purpose in the endless repetition of little duties. Jobs done today, that need doing again tomorrow... What is it, in the daily work you have given me to to, that is of eternal value to you? Lift my sights, Lord. Let me see today, and each duty in this day, as You see it."

-Amy Carmichael

to the Potter's Hand

2009-02-17T00:20:00.005-06:00

*i did not take this picture or create it.

i'm learning a whole lot from my pottery class:

- you cannot make clay into something, it makes itself into what it wants to be
- its all about steadiness of the hands and patience of the mind
- when you think its finished it turns into something different
- you have to start out centered
- its not a big deal to start over
- the clay shouldn't be too wet or too dry
- the right tools make everything easier

i think that the most i've learned is just the art of creating and surrendering control over my creation. it can be easy to be over confident in what i'm making, but one wrong move and i end up with one lumpy ball of clay. i can't help but not think of my Potter's hands....

God is good and i'm so in love with Him right now. each new day again i choose none but Jesus...

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Savior
I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hands, crafted into your perfect plan
You gently call me into your presence guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mold me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

You gently call me into your presence guiding me by Your holy spirit
Teach me dearLord to live through your eyes
I'm captured by your holy calling
set me apart, I know your drawing me to yourself

lead me lord i pray

eyes wide open

2009-02-10T22:44:00.004-06:00

it has been an awesome few weeks. nearly every time i've been driving, i have witnessed something in God's creation pouring forth praise. i love driving and praising God. i've nearly lost my voice, and i think that's a good thing :)

___________________

surprised by joy
embracing surrender
eyes wide open
pen in hand as life moves by
suddenly i notice the world You created
pouring out the praise for Your work
stars proudly shining
birds flocking together & flying overhead
the clouds breaking to let the sun pour out
being in the shade makes the sun so much brighter
having pain has showed me the warmth of Your rays

as soon as i let go
You caught me & suddenly
i'm where i'm supposed to be.
after all those tears
i was supposed to be here
astounded by the faithfulness of Your path

why did i struggle?
why did i fight it?
...the whole way...
giving up was never giving up at all
sweetly broken
wholly surrendered
life growing from dirt
beams peeking through clouds
stars shooting across the sky
i'm so lost in love
with You Jesus.
_________________________

tune my ears to your words dear Jesus....may i continually lift my eyes from the smallness of my world to the greatness of Your creation.

devotion for the day

2009-02-03T13:59:00.002-06:00

A true servant of Jesus Christ is one who is willing to experience martyrdom for the reality of the gospel of God. When a moral person is confronted with contempt, immorality, disloyalty, or dishonesty, he is so repulsed by the offense that he turns away and in despair closes his heart to the offender. But the miracle of the redemptive reality of God is that the worst and the vilest offender can never exhaust the depths of His love. Paul did not say that God separated him to show what a wonderful man He could make of him, but "to reveal His Son in me..." (Gal. 1:16).
-Oswald Chambers

Holy Fire burn away,
my desire for anything
that is not of you and is of me.
I want more of you and less of me.

Holy Fire, burn away,
my desire for anything
that is not of you and is of me.
I want more of you and less of me, yeah.
Empty me,
Empty me, yeah.
Fill, won't you fill me, with you, with you, empty me now.

Well won't you empty me, well won't you empty me now.
I want more, I want more, I want more of you, Jesus.
I want more, I want more, oh.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus, yeah.
Holy Fire
-Jeremy Camp

God's eyes are on the ways of a person,
and He sees all their steps.
There is no darkness or deep shadow
where the workers of iniquity can hide.
He does not need to examine a person further,
that they should go before God in judgment.
Job 34:21-23

I am grateful to You, O GOD, for the blessing of your forgiveness. I thank You that in Christ You set me free from the guilt of the past and give me hope for the future.

I will not seek my own interests, but those of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 2:21

As I follow You, You will make me a fisher of men.
Matthew 4:19

though i questioned the sky

2009-01-27T22:32:00.003-06:00

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee
-caedmon's call

i really just don't know what to think right now. or should i say not think... somehow the right lyrics are always solace for a cluttered mind.

the voice inside

2009-01-16T00:09:00.001-06:00

There is no voice outside of me. The loud voice within is gasping for air. My senses are straining to sense the God I know is here. The God that hears and speaks. The God that knows who I am and who I'll be. My mind is full of the future, but my road is not split. I absolutely know exactly what I'll do in the future. I'm gonna keep going down this road. This road of complete freedom and in the shadow of the King that leads. How much should the voices matter? How much should it impact the ears? Voices that worry. Voices that doubt. Voices that are concerned. Voices that just want the best. That worry, doubt, and concernment is contagious, you know. It spreads like wildfire on a heart that beats for one King and one purpose. it attacks a mind that seems to be clearly focused. I'm learning about trust and two-way relationships. In the past I've been hurt by people that have chosen not to trust me. Today I realized I choose not to trust quite a few people. Every time I think of advice or words I wish I could voice to someone, I realize it is the advice I need to hear. My prayer today is for stronger senses to hold onto every last inkling of the God that is so close but not yet. Even when my eyes blink, lip crinkles, hands close up, and my mind races- I will strain towards my God that knows. That hears. That sees. The voice inside.

prepared as a bride...

2008-12-03T00:11:00.003-06:00

last week my memory work for my missions class was Revelation 21:1-4, as depicted above. i made this picture in photo-shop last year and was reminded of the beautiful imagery in the Bible again as i memorized it. one thing that stood out to me while i was memorizing it was that "the Holy City came prepared as a bride..." having been in a few weddings, there is usually one thing all brides are- prepared. i can't say i have always understood it or had patience for it :) there is just something about an engaged woman! the big day is the only thing on their mind and they assume that's all anyone else wants to hear. there are so many details to think about yet the goal is marriage.

the imagery is amazing! we should be the same way. it should be on our minds, we should be sending out the invitations, and thinking about who we get to spend eternity with. the most important aspect could be seen as the dress. paying attention to how we are spiritually dressed and prepared for the King.

one last thing i've always noticed from engaged ladies is they forget what they were like. they forget how much they cared about every detail because now they have peace in living with the love of their life.

may we strive for the big day. may it be on our minds and tongues and details of life.

happy birthday to me!

2008-11-24T16:21:00.002-06:00

Baptism birthday that is... :) I'm 12! God is amazingly faithful...

Last night I was memorizing Matthew 6 for a class, the whole chapter. It was certainly a humbling experience. I love the chapter and I love that we have these words straight from Jesus, how cool is He? I have to be honest in that I don't think I would have memorized it on my own, but I sure am glad I did and I really hope to retain it. It really made me think about each section as I was locking it in my head. The last section in particular was my favorite. "Therefore, do not worry about your life..."

Another little snid-bit from my thoughts lately is answered prayer. And I'm not really saying major miraculous answers, I was thinking about how many of my small prayers go answered everyday that I don't even think about. I love having a good day of constant conversation. I had one this past week and yesterday I realized most of my worries of the day had passed. I got through each day, I finished my paper, got through a presentation, had an encouraging conversation, and so much more that my Father in Heaven noticed and heard from every care. It would be easy to just write it off as just the way it would have been, but really had I not fully surrendered those worries my days would have been impacted. I guess all I'm saying is we should be incredibly more thankful than we are. I should be incredibly more thankful than I am. Not just for the big things in life, but the small everyday ordinary cares we have that He is so much bigger than.

A psalm. For giving thanks.

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

psalm 100

there's a land...

2008-11-19T18:17:00.005-06:00

I have an answered and continued prayer request! This summer when I was in the city I was looking for somewhere to help out in India with the widows. I sent an e-mail to a missionary I know with an organization in India that my home church supports and this led me down a path to helping out! First I asked about the widows and he said they don't specifically reach out to the ones I was talking about but they still have a lot of widows in their area if I wanted to send the resources to help out. At first I wasn't sure what to do or how to start. Our e-mail spanned over a few months and by last month terrible persecution had broken out in Orissa State in India. He e-mailed me asking to specifically help out with a trip he was taking to give food and clothes to those persecuted in Orissa. I did my best! What was definitely God timing was the International Day of Prayer for the persecuted on November 2nd. The month up to this there was a sign up table at church and I was able to put a basket out for donations to Orissa. There was around $100 total collected after a month or so. That was good- but I knew God had more in mind for His persecuted children! Later the missions guy at my church (...my dad) told me one of the missionaries they supported this year retired and there were extra funds to give out! Since our church does have a good relationship to this organization he said they were going to send it to them. I know you really want to know how much, right? The final check we sent was for $7600! God is aaamazing. I pray every dollar could be used for His glory and go very far in the hands of His children. While this ended up being a winding road it is always amazing to see the results of God's leading even though it seems fuzzy along the way.

Keep the persecuted church in your prayers. The persecution is spreading and in some parts has worsened, there are some very gruesome stories. I pray for some amazing stories of God's provision and peace to be spread.

Don't forget about those in prison. Suffer with them as though you were there yourself. Share the sorrow of those being mistreated, as though you feel their pain in your own bodies.
hebrews 13:3

redeemed soul

2008-11-14T23:23:00.002-06:00

getting used to life. I used to feel so guilty about not having much to do but study, but now I'm learning to appreciate it. I also found a killer glass mug with the atlas on it, bonus!

You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemed my soul
From death
You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemed my soul
From death

I was a hungry child
A dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But You put food in my body
Water in my dry bed
And to my blackened branches,
You brought the springtime
Green of a new life
And nothing is impossible
For You

Now, You have redeemed my soul
From the pit of emptiness
You have redeemed my soul
From death
-waterdeep

the miracle of a big yellow room.

2008-10-29T22:06:00.003-05:00

my room has changed. my life has changed. last week the inevitable happened and my room began the "guest" friendly process. my bed was taken away before the new one arrived, i took the pictures off the walls i collected and took over the years, the shelf off the wall that held past memories, cleaned out the boxes under my bed full of notes and papers, scraped the cork board tiles off the walls that were put up before i moved in, moved everything to the middle of the room- and got it ready to paint. paint over the yellow and green with neutral gray, paint over the holes, paint over the scribbles next to my bed, and over the chipped wallpaper.

after my bed left and before the pictures came down i just stopped. i had a last moment with my childhood. my room is my safe haven and has been for as long as i can remember. i danced in my room when no one but my King was watching. i cried in my room when no one but my King noticed. when nothing in my life made sense my room was there with my King waiting for me. when the walls are yours the thoughts are yours. i surrounded myself with who i thought i was and who i wanted to be. i grew up in that room, in so many different ways.

as these thoughts and memories flooded my mind i froze. in utter amazement of who God is and where He has brought me and where He's taking me. in the same hour i mourned the loss of that safe place i knew and celebrated the safe place i've come to know as God's presence. i was sad that being an adult sucks. these next 5 or 10 years of life are so crazy and so transitory. after never knowing a move in my life, i have moved every semester in college and from what i can see it's only the beginning. God calls us to follow and i've committed to that. so in that quiet evening in my room with my King again, i just poured my heart out and sat in complete silence and reverence of what God can do with a small shy girl and a big warm yellow room.

wordle

2008-10-28T12:46:00.004-05:00

not too many posts lately, i've been writing. here's a wordle i created from this blog! kind of fun to see what sticks out and the placement of words...

i'm not who i was

2008-10-01T22:30:00.004-05:00

it is so crazy to look back at the last year of my life. to see where God has brought me and what it is like to surrender control is something i never could have dreamed of. it wasn't always fun and it wasn't always exciting, but it was always what i needed. i didn't want to leave, give up control, start over and over, or admit weakness but i had to so i would fall in the position God needed me to be for Him to use me. every time i think of the people that play such an important part in where i've been and where i'm going tears come to my eyes. i miss my life and at times look back reluctantly, but i would never in a million years trade having the peace of Christ in my heart knowing that i don't have to know where to go. i know Who my leader is and i'm working on trusting completely where He leads.

one year ago i was finally opening up about what i felt God was telling me to do. i was finally taking action towards moving. it was so unnatural and surreal. i'm so blessed to have not completely understood what it meant to move because had i understood i never would have spoken up. i moved in question of why but not in question of where. i knew the where and not the why. my faith cost me time, money, friends and relationships. my faith has given me a new life, new and restored relationships, and the endless riches and time of my King.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
-Brandon Heath

this song is more about a past relationship of the writer, but i can see things in it that make me think of my relationship with God. last semester i was hurt and bitter. now i'm meeting God again. i'm meeting God where He is and not where i am or want to be. i can give this amazing grace that has been given to me. we serve an amazingly close intimate God that rules over the whole entire universe...may we each day realize the need to lift our eyes from ourselves to the God who saves.

hunger

2008-09-29T15:30:00.002-05:00

don't know what i've been hungry for, but i've been hungry for days. it started with food, and i don't want to make light of true hunger, but a false hunger within me. now i am hungry for experience. studying so much and learning so much makes my stomach growl in a way that it is ready to be fed with life. i need faces, words, actions that show what i'm learning. i've been singing a song the last few days that has been ringing in my head,

"Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along"
-Brandon Heath "Give me your eyes"

i want to be fed with the perspective of God to see what i've been missing. i need a second glance at what's going on around me and to see the way He's seen people all along.

treasured cattle

2008-09-18T22:22:00.004-05:00

I never cease to be blown away from my missions class! Every time I leave there I feel like I'm reminded of Whose I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. Our professor is passionate and demanding, it's great. It's an 8am class, so walking back from it with my roommate I turn and say, "Yes, now I can start the day!"

Today the lecture was on Exodus. The story alone speaks volumes of what God is doing with His people and this story that's continued for hundreds of years. Right after the Israelites have been taken out of Egypt by the Lord they start to look back and doubt what God is doing. In Ch. 16 of Exodus they start grumbling to Moses about how they would rather still be in slavery than to be out in the desert. Still, the Lord hears their grumbling, He provides. Ch. 19 Moses goes up to the Mount of Sinai and approaches God.

"This is what you are to say to the house of Jacob and what you are to tell the people of Israel: 'You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles wings and brought you to myself. ' Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine, you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation. These are the words you are to speak to the Israelites."

treasured: possession:
cherished, my own, moveable ownership, like cattle

Kingdom: of priests:
power, taxes, boundaries, go-between of God

holy nation:
set-apart

What has happened here is a Covenant, a pattern for the rest of history so everyone can hear. We go because we are not our own. We are God's treasured possession, kingdom of priests, and holy nation. And there are implications.
Implications to surrender, to the local church, the global church, the local church programs, our family, and our homework.

There is an urgency and a patience.

Now then...IF you obey me fully and keep my covenant.

a wave of the sea

2008-08-22T23:27:00.004-05:00

Lately many of my prayers have been rooted in not doubting what God can do. I found myself daydreaming or just thinking about life and passively thinking or saying "but I doubt it". Sometimes more in how I see things playing out or just thinking about the future. Only recently have I realized the harm in thinking this way! Why would I doubt a great big God that can be so here and so near to us. He is listening and how dare I doubt what He can do.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
-James 1:5-8

may we have the innocence of a child in believing and finding our generous Father giving to all without finding fault..

intentionally blurred

2008-07-16T09:03:00.002-05:00

feeling a little out of focus today...

*also, this is post #100 for me, yay!

how do my feet keep moving.

2008-07-09T08:48:00.003-05:00

how do my feet keep moving

how do my hands keep shaking

against my will

against the strength i have

my feet keep moving

and hands keep shaking

how does my heart keep forming

how does my mind still learn

when i'm so weary of walking

walking with my feet

walking with my mind

few sceneries are constant

few faces have journeyed

along the same path

along this path

along this meandering

as my feet move and my heart longs

for comfort

and my God moves

and begs to show discomfort

in hopes of a bigger purpose

than my comfort.

there will be time

time in heaven

to share experience

to share space

to be constant

now must we move

now must we journey

along a path pioneered

by a humble sacrificial man

and God who gives and loves

more than we could ever expect to receive

how can my feet not move

for such a cause

how can my heart not long

to spread such comfort

of a God who is everywhere we are and could be.

city of widows.

2008-07-07T16:32:00.002-05:00

i have a fire within me that has begun burning for the widows of India. the strong women who are wronged by a husband dying and subsequently they lose everything they knew and loved. they are shunned. because of death. something within me beats for these women. i would be content serving and loving them for a long time. i researched the topic on google this afternoon and found plenty of accounts and documentation of the wrongs against these women, but could not find much of any action towards helping them. i am in new york city and i can't find anywhere to help!

what can i do?

how can i act?

i will pray and continue to search.

please pray with me-

in northern India there is a city called Vrindavan. it's also known as the city of widows. they come searching for 'moksha' or eternal freedom from their lives. society has told them they are worthless and unneeded. they spend all day in prayer for moksha. please pray that someone might show them true eternal freedom on earth and in heaven. there are documentaries and pictures that depict some of their stories. these women haven't done anything to deserve the sentences that are put up against them. some of the pictures are still imprinted on my mind.

embracing what you are.

2008-06-28T15:15:00.002-05:00

i am

single

quiet

contemplative

creative

lost

aimless

awkward

weird

selfish

proud

independent

ignorant

YOU ARE

enough

the goal

patient

loving

giving

the dependent

the shepherd

the smartest

thoughtful

selfless

a savior

In the quiet, in the stillness

i know that You are God

in the secret of Your presence

i know there i am restored

when You call I won't refuse

each new day again I'll choose

there is no one else for me

none but Jesus

crucified to set me free

now i live to bring Him praise

in the chaos, in confusion

i know You're sovereign still

in the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

when You call I won't delay

this my song through all my days

all my delight is in You Lord

all of my hope, all of my strength

all my delight is in You Lord forevermore...

-hillsong

31 day challenge

2008-06-17T10:23:00.001-05:00

he who mocks the poor shows contempt for their Maker;

whoever gloats over disaster will not go unpunished.

proverbs 17:5

- forefront is doing a 31 day proverbs challenge... today's my first day and i found time on the subway.

good morning.

2008-06-06T08:56:00.002-05:00

i can feel again. i can dream again.
dreaming in my nights and dreaming in my days.
my heart longs. yearns towards the life i can see in the distance.
of community. of acceptance. of complete love.
i'm awake from a long sleep.
a sleep that came over all of me for long periods of time.
a heavy sleep that held my head down and my eyes shut
to a world in need
a hurting people
with eyes shut
my world was just my world
and opened it became someone else's
in a way that you can never actually see yourself
just a reflection
its crazy how life seems to move with noone's consent
but the God who created it
a God who sees all and knows all
is letting it all unfold
in trust that the people He is raising up would do something
anything
for the good of man and their eternity
how does our view become so blinded by closed eyes
in sleep
intentionally and unintentionally
being awake is surreal
like its the way i'm supposed to be seeing things for the first time
so on we must go
eyes open
and heads arisen
in the hope we have from someone who arose Himself
to give us life fully awaken.

the world needs you

2008-05-19T11:07:00.002-05:00

Lately what's going on around the world has really been on my mind. In particular, Asia and the natural disasters. Sometimes I think the western world is very removed and ignorant to the gravity of some natural disasters. Dealing with disasters of this gravity is harder in third world countries and can seem to distant when they are on the other side of the world. Please pray and do what you can from thousands of miles away...

Please Pray:
-Myanmar: the cyclone that tore through the country and killed thousands of people, for the country to receive needed aid for the thousands of people that need it, for God to provide for their needs, God to be their strength and peace in a crazy time of loss and need, for the church in Myanmar to use a terrible tragedy for God's glory and spread the news of His hope.

-China: for the country to be able to recover from terrible earthquakes, the people in the rubble seeking help, the people searching and recovering people from the rubble, the family members mourning the loss of loved ones, for God to be the unwavering rock the people stand on, the church's response and help in China.

whoah 2008. you are crazy.

2008-05-06T16:54:00.007-05:00

it has been one crazy year in school.

I can’t believe where God has brought me and where He’s taking me.

Wow.

A year ago I wrote out how regretful and sad I was at not going where I was supposed to

And now I’m sitting here in awe of what God can do with a person as little as me.

Life is fluid and has certainly been mobile for me.

I’ve moved every semester I’ve been in college.

God is the only thing constant, faithful, and dependable in my life. He hasn’t failed me, left me, or forgotten me. He hasn’t changed and He still knows everything about me.

I have grown so much.

It is unbelievable to me that I am at a different school, a different frame of mind, and different future in store.

Praying for the will of God definitely has different weight than it used to. It’s almost like I used to pray just to see if God would show up or even dare answer. Now I know better. You bet your bottom dollar He’s there and He’ll answer. I have seen Him answer prayer after prayer after prayer. Little and big. I have learned to fear God and know that He is present. Know that His plans are enormous for His church and how dare I pray to be used. Because He will just take me up on that offer. And that means a total shift in my life. Hold on because the church is moving, the church is demanding, and the church needs you. She is hurting, she is global, and she is in need of everything you have: your comfort, your money, your plans, your future, and your time. Serving God means serving His bride and what a privilege it is to serve. It isn’t glamorous and it isn’t what many aspire for, but once you’ve given up your life you can’t hold on to it and have it back. There will be times you want it back. You want what you had with the ignorance you had, but that is long gone and you have so much more now. Getting a big picture of life is daunting, scary, and reminds you how little you are in one huge universe. Then you will snap back and realize that now that you have given up what little ignorance and life you held on to so tightly was something you never owned in the first place and you were so foolish. Foolish to hold tightly, foolish to look back, foolish to yearn for a life you never wanted to begin with. God is big. Bigger than you could ever imagine and now you must hold on to the ride He planned for you. And hold on you must because what He knows is so much more than we could dream and frightening enough for us not to know every detail right now. It will come and even then you’ll have to remind yourself to let go. Let go of it. Let go of it all. Your life started out as God’s and it can end up His too if you are willing and open to be a part of His fluid, constant, eternal Kingdom.

hello may.

2008-05-05T17:28:00.002-05:00

i just want to say that i enjoy this space. it's not public domain, but whomever wants to read is welcome. just another little person expressing what little there is inside a person.

that being said, i got a new camera this past week! it's been a year in the researching and i'm pretty pleased with my decision. Canon G9. here's some pics from the first batch:

He's always there

2008-04-27T21:37:00.003-05:00

things that remind me i'm a daughter of the King:

- little girls dancing with no care in the world
- sunsets/sunrises
- the right song at the right time
- never being surprised at God showing up
- being humbled
- seeing a child run into the arms of a parent
- God timing
- answered prayers
- a good picture
- things breaking and people who will fail, God is constant and never fails.

the fear of God

2008-04-14T22:02:00.002-05:00

so i am only beginning to understand what it means to fear God. i don't think i've ever really grasped what it means and what it looks like to fear God. i grew up in sunday school and Jesus always said, "Let the little children come to me". i didn't know what it meant to fully grasp the power and might of one great God.

Last weekend I was at home and suddenly found myself surrounded by a bunch of people I really looked up to in many ways. They were older, wiser, and had done a lot more in their lives than I could even know. So there I was, intimidated. I was scared at the fact that I looked up to them and they had this power over me that made me think more about what I said and how I acted. I left frustrated that I got shy and quiet. Then it clicked, this is what it means to fear God. I know He has more power over me than I can imagine and I know He has all the wisdom in the world. I should fear Him in a way that brings respect and a consciousness to what I say and how I act. The fear of God should bring about a lack of words and reverence to a God that overshadows everything. In the presence of God be humbled at your privilege of being with Him.
Along with this and other things going on in my life, I started realizing the weight and reality of prayer. We pray big prayers and sing huge songs to a God who knows more than we can grasp. When we pray for the will of God we better really mean it and remember that we prayed it when we start to see it happen.

When the Lord saw Moses coming to take a closer look, God called to him from the middle of the bush, “Moses! Moses!”

“Here I am!” Moses replied.

“Do not come any closer,” the Lord warned. “Take off your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. I am the God of your father—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” When Moses heard this, he covered his face because he was afraid to look at God.

exodus 3:4-6

none but Jesus

2008-04-09T22:53:00.001-05:00

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forevermore

-brooke fraser

are we prepared for this?

2008-04-08T16:07:00.003-05:00

"We will be scattered, not into service but into the emptiness of our lives where we will see ruin and barrenness, to know what internal death to God's blessings means. Are we prepared for this? It is certainly not of our own choosing, but God engineers our circumstances to take us there."

"Until Jesus Christ is truly our Lord, we each have goals of our own which we serve. Our faith is real, but it is not yet permanent. And God is never in a hurry. If we are willing to wait, we will see God pointing out that we have been interested only in His blessings, instead of in God Himself. The sense of God's blessings is fundamental. Unyielding spiritual fortitude is what we need."

I am starting to understand Lordship.
Seek the Lord and His blessings will follow.
Seek the Lord first.
then His blessings will follow.

seek
obey
be blessed.

This picture played a part in transforming my life. It popped up sporadically on the EIU web page when I would go to check my e-mail. Last semester all of my roommate's had been planning a study abroad trip in their future. I thought that sounded like a blast! So I went by the office and pursued it. And each time I saw this picture come up on the website it made me more excited about a possible trip. I had no clue where yet though. Every time I tried to make study abroad happen it fell short and I was too busy to really make an effort. Then God started pushing on my heart to go to LCC and it felt as though someone was really asking me, Where will you go??? Well, months later and many attempts at studying abroad later I had decided to transfer schools. I almost felt defeated by this picture, then one time it came up and I realized that this whole time I had been misreading it! See, the man's arms are outstretched as Jesus' were on the cross. I was humbled by God's ways. Sometimes all it takes is truly seeking, and He will show through. Only now after many months am I finally starting to understand what God is doing and the little steps He gives us to take.

seek
obey
be blessed.

today will never escape you.

2008-03-27T13:29:00.003-05:00

if there's one thing i've learned the past few months it's daily surrender. giving up of yourself must be a daily occurrence to have the lifetime affect.

"You give and take away for my good. For who am I to say what I need? For You alone see the hidden parts of me that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine, I’m learning to let go and rely on One who walks with me. As hard as it may be,

You’re teaching me all the while to say: Bless the Lord, O my soul. All that’s in me bless Your name, Forget not Your power un- told, not Your glory or Your fame. For You came to heal the broken, to redeem and make me whole. Bless the Lord, O my soul."

-laura story

well, guess I have to go back!

2008-03-13T18:21:00.005-05:00

(picture not taken by me)

*new york city internship summer 2008. i'm freaking out!

- When I was there last spring break, after leaving the empire state building during sunset with amazing pictures from a full day in the city, I lost every picture. My digital camera lost them all! To which I said, "Guess I have to come back......"

- New york, here I come.

faithful to me

2008-03-11T23:05:00.003-05:00

All the chistles I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch, them all wash away.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly for a faith
To be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
jennifer knapp

-somehow knapp's lyrics are always solace.

let mercy fall on me

2008-03-09T19:09:00.003-05:00

Everyone needs compassion
Love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory of the risen King
-laura story

*we've been singing this song lots at my home church (a la mi hermana), and i love it.

a pilgrim people

2008-03-08T14:56:00.004-06:00

for those who appreciate an artsy flick: Once
i looooved it! be forewarned that it is mostly music, but amazing music at that. the story line is real and so are the characters. only a little hard to understand sometimes because the guy is Irish and the girl is Moravian....but watch the special features and you'll get it more.

other thought from this week: Stephen was one amazing dude. check it out in Acts 7.
I wrote a little paper on his sermon for my Acts class, and I wish I would've spent more time with it, but I guess I am now.... When I first read it I didn't understand why he was going on and on about the patriarchs and what his point was. After the paper and lecture I understood a lot better.

Four Themes of Stephen's sermon:
the providence of God
the faithfulness of the patriarchs and the prophets
the sin of his accuser's
the mobility of God, His people, and this faith are on the move!

-what we can learn:
"we serve a pilgrim God by being a pilgrim people who travel light."
Lowry

"we must travel light if we want to keep pace with Christ"
Ward

I think the biggest thing I gained from his sermon is worship. Worship of God alone, not the building or religious practices. He calls them out for worshiping idols and rejecting Jesus. Wow! True, and it cost him his life. We have to be dependent on God and His Scriptures alone or else risk making idols of the earthly of buildings, things, and people. Which becomes a hindrance to what God provides for us and His salvation! Stephen died confidently and prayerfully forgiving of his enemies which proves his devotion to God alone. We are to look up to God for all strength and devotion in worship.

Heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool.
What kind of house will you build for me? says the Lord.
Or where will my resting place be?
Has not my hand made all these things?
acts 7:49-50

*i'm lovin being a student of the Word.

who He is.

2008-02-19T16:02:00.008-06:00

Moses Doubts:
Who am I?
What if?
I'm not good at that.

God Answers:
I AM.
I will show them by my power.
Who made you and Who will help you?

~Not who we are, but Who He is~

A difference of focus.

~What we can accomplish vs. What can't we?~

The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ?

Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."
exodus 4

drink the rain.

2008-02-17T11:46:00.001-06:00

Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned. hebrews 6

another one bites the dust

2008-02-07T16:56:00.001-06:00

thoughts/quotes from the week:

"it's crazy how fast things become your past"
- Deep, I know :) a thought in the library thinking about life and people. It is just so weird how many people and things go in and out of our lives without our knowledge of the beginning or end of it.

"you have to know the truth to see the counterfeit"
-This week at school we had International Focus Events, and this quote is from a guy in one of the workshops I went to. He is a missionary in the Ukraine, and he was specifically talking about Muslim's and different aspects of their culture. I liked it because it just encourages people to gain knowledge and learn more about the truth to decipher what's false, not visa versa.

"not risking anything in life is a good way to die slowly"
-One other International Focus Event was story night from people who've been on mission trips or missionaries. One of the stories that really challenged me and especially who I am was a story on risk. I'm not what you would say an adrenaline junkie and it is something I need to work on- the right kind of risk. He emphasized knowing when you should risk, not over analyzing, and just DO IT. We learn a lot from being brave and stepping out at the right time.

"wherever you are, there you are"
-This is a quote I've heard before, and loved. The context I've heard it in before was the physical; such as, a missionary going somewhere and not realizing that you're the same wherever you go and you can't run from yourself. The perspective is not on your problems, but how those problems affect the entirety of oneself. Well, that being said, this week LCC had an Ash Wednesday service. It was so good. I loved it, and really enjoyed something different. We had a few Scripture readings, songs, and watched the Nooma video "Lump". Rob Bell said this quote, and the way he spoke about it was about the junk in our lives. How we can't run from it and we have to deal with it. Then we communally read Psalm 51:

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

psalm 51

"for dust you are and to dust you will return"
-This last quote is also from the Ash Wednesday service. During the invitation to ashes and the Lord's Supper, when we went up the person putting the ash on our heads said this. It's from Genesis 3:19 on the fall of man. I think it's a humbling reminder we all need to hear. We can learn a lot about life from death and perspective of life.

One other thing I want to mention is the crazy up and down weather lately! Lots of snow, fog, rain, warm, and coooold. Just a constant reminder that we're alive! One of my professors today was talking about balance vs. focus and mentioned the seasons/weather. Just that the seasons have many extremes and still all work together to produce a fertile land. I'll let you think about that one.....

don't fence me in.

2008-01-31T19:27:00.000-06:00

last nights focus was great!

it started out with a pretty crazy video:
Don't Fence Me In- David Byrne

One of my profs spoke about different generations. On the boomer's and past generations as well as my generation, the boundless. He said that the boomer's were the generation not wanting to be fenced in by rules and predictability. They were the ones breaking down those fences and rules set by society. One funny quote that he used on how they broke down those fences was, "If you remembered Woodstock then you probably weren't there." True, many of the ways the boomer's broke down fences were not really smart, but nonetheless, they did break down fences. So brings us to the present times of the boundless generation ready to take on the world :) I don't know that we're ready or just scared. There are a million opportunities and options to take in life. I don't know about you, but how exciting!

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Glory to God in the church!
Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
Glory down all the generations!
Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!
-Ephesians 3:20-21
the message

In the midst of a time on the brink; the brink of life and the brink of decision, I just want to cry out-

Oh God let us be, a generation that seeks your face
seeks your face, Oh God of Jacob.

So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, "Get rid of the foreign gods you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes. Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone. "
-Genesis 35:2-3

May we get rid of our idols and purify ourselves. May we bound out into the world ready to let God work within us. May we constantly be reminded of Who is with us wherever we go. May we not be frozen by choices and freedom to bound. and most of all, may we not forget to give God all the glory!

songs of hope.

2008-01-24T10:43:00.000-06:00

Thoughts of you And how you've changed me
Fill my mind
Without You where would I be
So even though I've tried to express my thanks
It never comes out how I hoped
I want to say so much more
so with these simple words I'll try

I love You
My heart is Yours, only Yours
I long to give You all of me
My everything, my everything God I never could repay You
You gave everything

Without You where would I be
You still loved me even when I pushed You away
You stood there and waited till the day I'd return
-barlow girl

So last night I went to Bible study at EIU! Way exciting to see people and really hard at the same time. I think it's almost harder that it's only been a month and not much has changed. It was a lot harder than I anticipated! I miss people real bad. I did learn something about myself last night. When I know I'm going somewhere or sign up to do something I don't think about what it will be like to be there. Walking in was kind of surreal! Worship was really hard. I feel like I grew so much there! The words we sang were exactly what I needed to hear. God knew being back in that place I would doubt.

"I'll obey and serve you
I'll obey because I love you
I'll obey- my life is in your hands
for it's the way to prove my love
when feelings go away
And if it costs me everything, I'll obey"
-Jim Custer and Tim Hosman

So as I sang those words standing next to my closest friends God reminded me He is bigger and He's still here right now. Like He's always been. God is so faithful and it astounds me more each day.

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just to far away to see how steps she's making
Might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
But she can't feel the things she knows
And so each step she's taking is a step of faith toward who she'll be
And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear and the light is farthest back
And through her tears she can't see the dawn is coming
Skies will clear and the light will find her where she's always been.
-superchick

world's apart

2008-01-21T22:02:00.000-06:00

it's about that time.

2008-01-18T19:54:00.000-06:00

ok, so i've made the change. it's been a week.

It seems like all I've been doing is thinking. Thinking about the differences, about the reasons, about the people, about the classes, about my roommate, about my professors, about campus, you get the point. Most of the time I have been thinking about why God wanted me here and what He has planned. I'm excited to be here and excited to take Bible classes, but I really am not happy here yet. I have just been telling myself that it just takes time. This week I went to Focus and unassumingly was brought to my knees before God. I was humbled. Here I am at a new school thinking about how much God wanted me here and I didn't really want to be here at the time and somehow He had let me down. Well, the theme this semester at Focus is servant-hood and the farther into the first night we got the more I realized I had let God down. He made it clear to me a while ago (i.e. 3 yrs) that He wanted me here and I didn't take it seriously, I didn't know what to do with that. I came here thinking about what I could bring to campus, as well as get. It hit me strong in worship that I have broken His heart many times and still had His forgiveness. That He wants me here to serve. To serve this campus, to serve my roommate, and to serve His bride. Who am I? Who am I to think He could use me? I was just floored. It seems like a simple conclusion now, but it really did have to hit me in the face like that.
So, while it is hard right now not having my friends and life I've known for 2 years, it gives me more peace than I can imagine to say I know I am where God wants me. To submit to His will is the most scary and rewarding thing I can imagine. He has been very present to me while I've been here and provided many blessings to ease the change.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:

"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

-Ephesians 5

It is truly humbling to start over and be dependent on people. It is also truly humbling to serve a God who has an amazing plan for each of His creations.

Are you fully His?

the Lord will Provide

2007-12-24T22:52:00.000-06:00

It's Christmas time! Lots of thoughts flowing, but I read this article online and it expressed some of what I've been feeling lately:

Giving and Letting Go

"If you take the months of November and December at face value, Christmas seems to be mostly about giving presents. This year is different. This year, as I enjoy the giving and receiving of gifts, I find myself sitting more lightly to the things that I have.

In the past, I held on tightly to the possessions that seemed important to me. I kept them because they were mine, mine, mine - and it mattered to me that I could get, and keep, the things that I needed. Losing, breaking, or giving away things upset me. I think that reflected a deep insecurity, a sense of not knowing where I stood.

Now, I am finding it surprisingly easy to let go. It is trust in Him, actually starting to believe that He will care for me - because I have seen how He has. As I spend more time with Him, I recognize more and more how everything that I have is simply on loan from Him to me; and so it is for me to use, not to possess.

I am grateful that God has been teaching me how to let go, how to sit lightly to the material things in life. There have been a lot of small steps, each challenging in its own way, like giving my treasured collection of children's books to friends who actually had children... and discovering the the joy and freedom that comes from being able to give. Then He asked more of me. This fall, a young woman from my church moved in with me, because she needed a place to stay and I had the space to offer her in my two-bedroom condo. I transformed my office into a combo office/bedroom so that she could have my room. In the process, I discovered that the closet space in my new bedroom is less than it was in the other bedroom, so I packed up a lot of my clothes and set aside others to donate.

I have discovered that I don't need the extra room; I don't need the extra clothes. In fact, I am realizing that a lot of what I own is just - stuff. Useful sometimes, nice to have, but not anything that I actually need. And because of that, I am finding myself able to enjoy those things more: a cup of coffee in a cute coffee mug, lovely ornaments hanging on the Christmas tree, a music CD that my mom bought me. I can appreciate the good things that God has made in His creation, without having that anxiety of "can I keep it?"

Thank you, Lord, for showing me how to rightly accept and use the good things that You have made in Your creation, and for teaching me how to give freely and generously, knowing that my real treasure is You."

-Holly Ordway

Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."
Genesis 22:13-15

the Lord will provide.

leavin'

2007-12-13T09:15:00.000-06:00

today's the day....

16 hours

2007-12-05T22:47:00.000-06:00

-i just LOVE old main.

As my classes are drawing to a close I am starting to see how much I've actually learned from them. It makes me actually appreciate school and learning for once as I get to learn about things that I care about. I can't say that I've ever felt the need to describe what I've learned from gen-eds...even though I probably should have. Oh, and funny story- all of my classes first day's consisted of the professors saying THIS was the most important class to take in school. hmmmmm... I'll be the judge of that, thanks.

side-note: i think it is so true that a good or bad professor will always dictate a good or bad class. someone else's passion and interest is contagious, no matter the subject.

Social Stratification: Ok, so I'm not gonna lie, this is a core class for my major- so I had to take it. AND I had no clue what stratification meant. Turns out it means inequality, and it was one of my favorite classes at EIU. The prof was crazy, but he really cared about what he taught and I at least appreciated his knowledge on strat/politics/economy. He also had an awesome way of teaching to make things understandable by common sense. You could say this class taught the foundation of understanding society and global inequality. I love that it just hit the tip of what's going on as well as what has happened in the world globally. We learned a lot about social classes, distribution, capitalism, ideologies, and some theory. There was so much content! Like I said, I think this is one of my favs because it does beg for more research and interest. Good quote from today's lecture: "to opt out of knowledge is to secure the power of those who do not earn it"

Intro to Anthropology: If there was a complete opposite professor to have from strat, it would be this class' professor. I didn't really know what to expect from this class either as the only idea I had of anthropology was archaeologists...and well we all have certain stereotypes there, which I have since found to be different. I liked this class because it focused on other cultures and on acceptance or understanding of what is different. Quote: "the difficult part is that in order to understand other cultural practices, beliefs, and behavior- often so different from our own- it's necessary to suspend judgment." Favorite lectures: mental illness, language, death, intelligence and emotion, and MOST of all- art! The art lectures were so amazing because they reinforced everything I have come to know as true of art. And it also made me want to so badly go into another tribe or nation and just spend time learning a trade of the craftsmen. "Art is a window into cultural beliefs, values, and perceptions" The professor also really made this class awesome because you could tell he loved what he was doing- archeology and teaching. He was also wonderfully quirky, which I appreciate. One quote of his I enjoyed today: "anthropology is studying all cultures, not just society- because that would be boring, they call is sociology or something."

Contemporary Theory: Whoa, theory, whoa. A little intimidating at first, but not too bad. A little more dryer of a professor....and a little earlier in the morning. I really feel like I'll walk out of that class with more questions than anything. Also, I should have actually learned what I was studying rather than just spout it off for the test....but, yeah. We learned about "social explanations and theoretical debates of past and present" So, functionalism, conflict theory, critical theory, symbolic interactionism, exchange theory, feminism (more interesting than I thought), postmodernism, and lots of names I don't remember. Ok, so I remember the important ones- Weber, Marx, Durkheim. But that's all. I think what I'll pull from this class is the ways of application we used in relevant media. She did a good job of using movies, music, and comedians to show social theory and belief. Good. Lots of content. Bad.

Drawing: I reallllly put off this class. Drawing is really not my thing and I had to take it for my minor. 2-D isn't an area I've been blessed in creating. But it was a surprise class. I had the professor already and most of the kiddies in there were freshman. I did learn a lot stretching myself in ways I didn't think I could and I hope to keep refining what I've started. Now I can start a drawing instead of stare at a blank piece of paper. Doodles were my thing. Not staircases. If you think a staircase is easy to draw, I would like a 3-point perspective staircase with more than two stories. It was definitely a humbling experience as well. I also learned that I don't like to inhale charcoal. or blow it out of my nose later. ick.

Intro to Social Work: EIU does not have a social work major and it has been something I've been interested in, so it was interesting to take this elective taught by a school social worker. A night class, and it was rough some nights, but I had a few friends in the class that made it easier. One thing I gained from this class was that I don't really want to do social work. I love to help people, but I just don't know that I could help someone fully knowing that I'm not addressing every aspect of their lives and that teaching is sometimes better than helping. But helping is needed too. And there is no way I could not incorporate my faith. Where's the hope?

So I'm excited and nervous about change next semester. This semester has been good in challenging what I know and believe in a good way.

a series--- if you will...

2007-11-28T22:48:00.001-06:00

love it. just love it.

the lines blurred in the in-between

well isn't this ironically true??

another stormy day

2007-11-12T17:16:00.001-06:00

i love rainy days.

no nations

2007-11-07T21:03:00.000-06:00

how do i always seem to be in a contemplative mood when i need to get stuff done? i'm just thinking about life right now. the waiting game is no fun. i just feel the need to leave right now. i've been itching to fly, experience, capture, and see the new. guess i'm just learning a lot lately. there are so many ways to deny what is real. what we know as true. it's scary to leave, but i am so excited. excited for change, excited to study and delve. i feel like i really did just show up for my life. the life i knew i was supposed to be living. regardless of where i am.
leaving is something i've grown to need. i need to take long drives. i need to go to new places. i need to learn more about other places and people. right now. while i can. and want to.

one thing i just read in My Utmost for His Highest that has changed me is:

"From Jesus Christ's perspective, there are no nations, but only the world. How many of us pray without regard to the persons, but with regard to only one Person- Jesus Christ? He owns the harvest that is produced through distress and through conviction of sin. This is the harvest for which we have to pray that laborers be sent out to reap. We stay busy at work, while people all around us are ripe and ready to be harvested; we do not reap even one of them, but simply waste our Lord's time in over-energized activities and programs. Our Lord calls us to no special work- He calls us to Himself."

so as i sit here in my apartment i will think of people that surround me and not waste my Lord's time. even when it is so easy to leave. it's important to be as well.

branch-less tree!

2007-11-06T20:46:00.002-06:00

On a lighter note, look at this tree!! It's one I've always admired on campus. I mean look at it. It's just too cool for branches. Nikki and I took a stroll on our Friday date and decided to admire it's ability to stay upright. I love Nikki. She's just wonderful. And our branch-less tree. I wish I knew what kind of tree it is. hm.

campus is just beautiful right now.

*sigh

has God ever asked you to do something hard?

2007-10-29T21:54:00.001-05:00

so begins a new chapter of my life. didn't see it coming and i don't know what it'll look like. i'm scared. and somehow aaron shust knows what i'm thinking...

Calloused and bruised
Dazed and confused
My spirit is left wanting something more.

My selfish hopes
My selfish dreams
I'm lying with my face down on the floor,
Crying out for more
Crying out for more

Give me words to speak
Don't let my spirit sleep
Cause I can't think of anything worth saying.
But I know that I owe you my life.

Every night, Every Day
I find that I am nothing I can say.
So I stand here inside
Waiting your guide
I'm wanting only your voice to be heard
Let 'em be your words
Let 'em be your words

Give me words to speak,
Don't let my spirit sleep.

Just don't understand
This life that I've been living
Just don't understand
Just Don't understand..
these lies I've been believing
Just don't understand

So give me words to speak
Cuz I can't think of anything worth saying
I know I know I know I owe you my life...my life.
-aaron shust

worship in spirit and in truth.

2007-10-21T14:00:00.001-05:00

how cool is God? I was just hanging out in champaign after some of my fam went to the football game and came across a church with its lights on....hmmmm. so I walked in.
above the front door was "worship in spirit and in truth". I immediately thought of this past wed. night when we learned more about worship and what it looks like. that worship is God's idea and God focused. I anticipated it to be empty, but when I walked in there was a guy playing the piano, beautifully. I slipped in and sat in the last row just listening and focusing on God in that moment. We also learned that worship is intent and motive, not style. Cheesy as it is I really am sorry for the thing I've made worship sometimes. This song by Matt Redman is one I've sung 8,000 times and have kind of gotten "tired" of. Ironically, the words are more true now then they have ever been as I had written it off as an overplayed worship song.

When the music fades,
All is stripped away,
And I simply come.
Longing just to bring
Something that’s of worth
That will bless Your heart.

I’ll bring You more than a song.
For a song in itself is not what
You have required.
You search much deeper within,
Through the way things appear;
You’re looking into my heart.

I’m coming back to the heart of worship,
And it’s all about You,
All about You Jesus.
I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it.
When it’s all about You.
All about you Jesus.

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve.
Though I’m weak and poor
All I have is Yours,
Every single breath.
-Matt Redman

"If we have no relationship with Christ we may only be able to observe worship. When we first come to Christ we will likely experience God's presence. As we gain appreciation for who God is and why He deserves out worship, we may begin to participate from our hearts. At some point, we should begin to realize that worship and ministry are two sides of the same coin. When that happens we will understand that we are worshiping by serving. Finally we may reach the maturity level where we can make everything we do an act of worship. Worship then permeates our lives."

Today at church was my first sunday ever to sing up front for worship. It was really humbling. I just love that I got the chance to be a part of the service in a different way. So as I'm learning what everyday worship is, I pray that it might permeate my life and God would continue to reveal Himself to me in opportunities of open doors.

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks."
John 4:23

GO

2007-10-15T21:23:00.000-05:00

I've sinned, come on my knees
For I'm not worthy of Your love
How could You die for me
Such grace can only come from God

Oh Lord, You search and You know me
You see me inside out
God, You alone can forgive me
Erase my fear and my doubt
Father, You pick me up
I feel like a child in Your arms
I don't deserve this love,
but I hear Your voice, Lord Jesus

Go and sin no more
He said "I will not condemn you,
I'll forgive and I'll forget it all
Go and sin no more
My child, let me remind you it
is I who'll lead and guide you as you go"

You are my purpose - You are the reason that I live
I want to be like You - Help me to love and to forgive
God, let me not be distracted
Lord, help me focus on You
Keep sin from ruling my, Lord - make me holy and pure
Father, You pick me up - I feel like a child in Your arms
I don't deserve this love but, I hear Your voice Lord, Jesus

Wipe, wipe away
Take, take away
Break, break away
Fill my life, make it right
Father, help me, Father, help me go

He said "I will not condemn you, no
Go and sin no more
My child let me remind you it is I
who'll lead and guide you as you go"

I've sinned, come on my knees, how could You die for me
You search my heart - know my thoughts
See me inside out and all throughout me
You alone can forgive me
You always pick me up - like a child in Your arms
I could stay with Your forever here

- I just had an awesome family group tonight. We read and discussed John 8:1-11 on the adulterous woman. I am learning so much on how to study and teach the Word and I am LOVING my group of girls. God has so beautifully orchestrated us altogether this semester and I am so grateful. As I'm thinking about big things and putting my faith in His plan it is so good to be covered in His grace.

take it now.

2007-10-06T16:08:00.001-05:00

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

-jars of clay

everything

2007-09-11T19:39:00.000-05:00

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything ...
Jesus, everything ...

Written by Tim Hughes

some words are deserved...

2007-09-06T21:09:00.000-05:00

so i haven't written much, in say, months. it is always good to look back at stuff like this for perspective. and i feel the need to get things out so i can read them later.

i'll just write statements and take them as you will.
i have this trust and contentment right now that God is enough.
He will not desert me or leave me.
ever.
and i cannot just be in pause losing what i have now to be used by Him.
this contentment shall pass with emotions....
BUT i know that my first love will not pass.
i am deeply in love with my Savior.
i long to not settle
but be willing to risk at the right time.
i will learn to be devoted to Him first.

An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Cor. 7:34-35

this summer was a time of learning dependence
and this fall so far has been a time of learning God's will
lately i'm in a confused state, but there is benefit there as well.

ok, well that's enough internet opening up to no one in particular.....
enjoy to whomever runs their eyes across this.
may the God who loves us the same bless you and reveal to you Himself each day in ways you will see Him and glorify Him.

a beautiful dawn

2007-08-30T09:10:00.001-05:00

...sorry it's small and kinda hard to read...
this is a song by the wailin' jennys that i looove right now and played around with on photoshop

flyyyyyyyyyyy...

2007-08-25T13:36:00.001-05:00

i've been doing more thinking in the notebook lately so thought i'd scan in a few to prove it :)

moleskine!

2007-08-18T10:32:00.001-05:00

homesick

2007-08-01T20:07:00.001-05:00

i long to have your arms around me
holding this heart
catching this imagination
overwhelming this mind
filling this quench
with you.

desperate for dependency

2007-07-21T18:33:00.001-05:00

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:14-19

"True dependency boils down to this: if we want to live a “spirit-filled life” we must encounter God every single day. It has to be our priority.

His presence commands dependency."

-Matthew Rauch

it is time

2007-06-30T19:59:00.000-05:00

in the middle
of summer
of life
of creativity
of seeking the Lord.

hope

2007-06-11T00:31:00.001-05:00

every good and perfect gift

2007-06-01T23:18:00.000-05:00

so i don't know what happened to may, but here's a thought from june...

every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
james 1:17

when everything else changes-
He doesn't.

just a thought

2007-04-30T18:44:00.000-05:00

it is exciting to take pictures of things you've never seen before.
it is a challenge to take pictures of things you see everyday.

oh life.

2007-04-26T16:02:00.000-05:00

where is this taking me?

2007-04-18T15:37:00.000-05:00

let God arise

2007-04-17T12:46:00.000-05:00

~ready to move on~

2007-04-13T14:19:00.000-05:00

will you let me in?

2007-04-10T16:55:00.000-05:00

i heart raaaaainy dayssss

2007-03-23T15:28:00.000-05:00

working my way out

2007-03-19T14:51:00.000-05:00